Pun of the Day: 14 May 2009

[stolen shamelessly from the Mensa website]

A man enters a bar with a 6-inch amphibian perched on his shoulder.

The bartender (as is the norm with these jokes) asks, "What'll it be?"

"A pint of Guinness for me, and another pint for Tiny here," he says, pointing to his shoulder.

"You call him 'Tiny' because he's small? He looks pretty big for a salamander..."

The man laughs and says "No, I call him 'Tiny' because he is my newt."

Puns of the Day: 3 May 2009

These were written for one of my students who competed at the State Forensics meet with a compilation of poems by Langston Hughes:

1) If Langston Hughes were ten feet tall, would we call him Langston Huge?

2) If Langston Hughes weighed twice as much, would we call him Langs-two-ton Hughes?

3) Langston Hughes wanted to run in the Boston Marathon, but was not allowed because of his skin colour. So he started a new Marathon that went through New York City.  It's name: The Harlem Run-assaince

Pun of the Day: 27 April 2009

I once knew a rancher who claimed, without fail, that he had 100 head of cattle, and that he knew this without counting.

I counted one day, and told him "Hey! You only have 97 head of cattle! What gives?"

"Count again after I round 'em up."

Pun of the Day: 21 April 2009

Like most outdoor businesses in the Midwest, campgrounds usually shut their gates in October or November on account of the cold weather.

A sign on the gates of the Happy Valley Nudst Camp: "Clothed until April"

Pun of the Day: 20 April 2009

Two brooms, engaged to be married, were out for a quiet dinner by themselves the night before their wedding.

After the dinner plates were whisked away, and before dessert (an ice-cream sundae for two: their favourite) was brought out, the soon-to-be-wife broom looked her soon-to-be-husband broom in the eye, smiled, and said "I've got some wonderful news for you."

"Oh?" The male broom smiled, certain that this was going to be a fantastic surprise. "Do tell."

"I'm pregnant. We've got a little broom on the way".

The male broom was aghast, and started hyperventilating. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes, I'm pregnant. Aren't you excited?"

"Well, of course I'm excited." His face was flushed. He began frantically searching for some water, and was most clearly not excited.

"You look upset. Why are you upset?"

"Are you sure it's mine?"

"What?! I just told you I'm pregnant, we're getting married tomorrow, and now you're questioning my fidelity?" She was most definitely upset.

Recognizing the delicateness of their situation, and the fact that it would be very impossible for him to marry the broom of his dreams tomorrow if she stormed out today and left for Kazahkstan on the first flight out the next morning. That would be bad for all involved parties. "No, no no... I'm not questioning anything. I'm just- I'm surprised is all."

She softened, ever so slightly. "Surprised? Why are you surprised?"

"It's just a bit of a shock, y'know? I mean, we've only swept together once!"

Pun of the Day: 18 April 2009

There once was a herring who, strangely enough, befriended a large whale. Of course, the two of them swam all over the ocean together, and were practically inseperable, so much so that they were simply associated. They didn't talk much, of course, but were constant companions.

One day they actually did talk, and had a fairly heated argument (it was an election year, after all).

The next day, the whale didn't show up at their meeting spot, and so the herring (knowing full well that the whale could take care of itself for the day and was probably otherwise occupied, or perhaps still blowing off some steam) simply went about its rounds, still vaguely irate.

The other denizens of the sea, so used to seeing them together, inquired as to whether or not the whale was alright ("Does he have the stomach flu? Measles?"). The herring tried to ignore the questions, but they persisted well past the point of anger, until finally he snapped: "How should I know? Do I look like my blubber's kipper?!"

Pun of the Day, 17 April 2009

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks "Does it smell like fish to you?"