Monday, April 27, 2009

Pun of the Day: 27 April 2009

I once knew a rancher who claimed, without fail, that he had 100 head of cattle, and that he knew this without counting.

I counted one day, and told him "Hey! You only have 97 head of cattle! What gives?"

"Count again after I round 'em up."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pun of the Day: 21 April 2009

Like most outdoor businesses in the Midwest, campgrounds usually shut their gates in October or November on account of the cold weather.

A sign on the gates of the Happy Valley Nudst Camp: "Clothed until April"

Monday, April 20, 2009

Pun of the Day: 20 April 2009

Two brooms, engaged to be married, were out for a quiet dinner by themselves the night before their wedding.

After the dinner plates were whisked away, and before dessert (an ice-cream sundae for two: their favourite) was brought out, the soon-to-be-wife broom looked her soon-to-be-husband broom in the eye, smiled, and said "I've got some wonderful news for you."

"Oh?" The male broom smiled, certain that this was going to be a fantastic surprise. "Do tell."

"I'm pregnant. We've got a little broom on the way".

The male broom was aghast, and started hyperventilating. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes, I'm pregnant. Aren't you excited?"

"Well, of course I'm excited." His face was flushed. He began frantically searching for some water, and was most clearly not excited.

"You look upset. Why are you upset?"

"Are you sure it's mine?"

"What?! I just told you I'm pregnant, we're getting married tomorrow, and now you're questioning my fidelity?" She was most definitely upset.

Recognizing the delicateness of their situation, and the fact that it would be very impossible for him to marry the broom of his dreams tomorrow if she stormed out today and left for Kazahkstan on the first flight out the next morning. That would be bad for all involved parties. "No, no no... I'm not questioning anything. I'm just- I'm surprised is all."

She softened, ever so slightly. "Surprised? Why are you surprised?"

"It's just a bit of a shock, y'know? I mean, we've only swept together once!"

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Pun of the Day: 18 April 2009

There once was a herring who, strangely enough, befriended a large whale. Of course, the two of them swam all over the ocean together, and were practically inseperable, so much so that they were simply associated. They didn't talk much, of course, but were constant companions.

One day they actually did talk, and had a fairly heated argument (it was an election year, after all).

The next day, the whale didn't show up at their meeting spot, and so the herring (knowing full well that the whale could take care of itself for the day and was probably otherwise occupied, or perhaps still blowing off some steam) simply went about its rounds, still vaguely irate.

The other denizens of the sea, so used to seeing them together, inquired as to whether or not the whale was alright ("Does he have the stomach flu? Measles?"). The herring tried to ignore the questions, but they persisted well past the point of anger, until finally he snapped: "How should I know? Do I look like my blubber's kipper?!"

Friday, April 17, 2009

Pun of the Day, 17 April 2009

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks "Does it smell like fish to you?"

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Pun of the Day: 16 April 2009

2 archaeologists, Laura and Susan, are in Mexico excavating the Mayan ruins there looking for a full human specimen to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, they're not having nearly as much luck as they'd like; all the human specimens are horrendously de-composed, and therefore unsuitable for museum use (they'd fall apart before ever getting there!).

"Susan", says Laura, "I don't think we're going to find anything down here!"

"Keep digging, Laura, I'm sure we'll find something," Susan responds.  "A good Mayan is hard to find."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Pun of the Day: 15 April 2009

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, “Where is everybody?”

The bartender replied, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.

“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.

“Well,”said the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”

“Weird guy,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Pun of the Day: 14 April 2009

I was wondering why the baseball kept growing larger and larger. Then it hit me.

* * * *

I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it eventually came back to me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Pun of the Day: 8 April 2009

Police arrested a man for throwing land-mines, but he walked away after they dropped the charges.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Pun of the Day: 3 April 2009

I used to be a tap dancer, but stopped after I fell into the sink.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Pun of the Day: 2 April 2009

Some people's noses and feet were built backwards: their noses run and their feet smell.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Pun of the Day: 1 April 2009

A young child swallows a whole piggy bank's worth of coins, and is soon rushed to the hospital after developing massive stomach-aches. The doctors took him to have some tests run and some x-rays done.

His parents, of course, were worried sick, and when the doctor (and accompanying orderlies) wheeled the boy back into his hospital room they inquired as to the boy's condition.

"No change yet," the doctor replied.